aches

 I honestly don't know what I'm doing with my life (╬▔皿▔)╯

I'm sitting here, staring at my computer screen, piles of homework stacked up beside me. I don't move an inch. Can't move. Paralyzed in my chair, I longingly stare at the trees outside my window, long to roam around outside and displace air, instead of sagging here, into my chair. Nothing but dead weight. 

But I have the capacity to do this, to be productive. But I am not. Who knows why? I just don't feel the urge to do anything. There's no one forcing me, no deadline ticking down. At least, not yet. For now, all is still, and that is worse.

I've been sedentary for far too long. How can anyone do this? And feel good doing this? Being cooped up at home, unmoving, like you're already dead. I feel like the world is passing me by. I need something, I need to go back to school. You can't leave me here, scrabbling at the chasm that is nothingness, idle time, holiday period. The very notion of idling, of doing nothing, tugs at me and makes me leaden, my limbs fatigued. A cruel self-fulfilling prophecy. 

And yet I sit here, typing words onto a screen, willing anyone to breathe vivacity back into me. But it's not anyone's responsibility to help me. Only I can save myself from this eternal tug-of-war between motion and the lack thereof. Between production and consumption. The balance so easily disrupted. A power so meagrely corrupted.

I'm aching ( ˘︹˘ )